Just a Little Joke

January 14, 2011

A woman applies for a job. Her application is successful and she gets an interview with her employer. The interview goes well until he asks her:

‘Ma’am, could you tell me, what are some of your skills?’

‘Well,’ the woman replies, ‘I write short stories, several of which have been published by big writing magazines. I’ve written three novels in the past three years, and the latest book has landed me an agent. The book is scheduled to be released in November. I’m currently writing a sequel to the book and I should have the rough draft finished in May.’

The employer nods. ‘That’s very interesting, but I was referring to what skills you have which could be used during office hours.’

The woman replies ‘They are my office hour skills.’

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An Observation

July 11, 2010

What do JK Rowling, Stephenie Meyer, Christopher Paolini and Rick Riordan have in common?

Their books (Harry Potter, Twilight, Eragon, Percy Jackson) became best sellers following the film adaptation of the books.

Who has James Cameron’s number?


The Me-Writing-Internet Love Triangle Tale

May 26, 2010

Once upon a time, there was a boy called Me. Me had two friends who, for the purpose of this story, were girls. Writing was pretty and nice. A typical ‘good girl’, while Internet was hip and nasty, a cliché ‘bad girl’. She had all the latest gadgets.

Writing and Internet were both in love with Me, and attempted to be his girlfriend (There was also a girl called Music, but she talked too much. When Me was busy, he would ignore her. She isn’t important). Me knew that Writing and Internet loved him. He also knew that if he dated one, he would ruin the relationship with the other. So, he ignored the flirts, and tried to remain friends. But deep down, Me knew that he loved Writing. (He also loved Internet, but not nearly as much).

Me and Writing would hang out constantly – at least once a day. They would visit awesome places, such as the Himalayas and Greece. They would do awesome things*.

Internet knew that Me and Writing hung out a lot, and she was jealous. She would wait for Writing and Me to spend time together, then “accidentally” run into him, or call him when he was with Writing.

“Oh, Me!” She would say. “What a lovely surprise! Hey, have you seen this new Facebook application**? And did you know that you have five new emails? And your best friend is on MSN!”

Me would be distracted by Internet’s things. He would read his emails, and talk to his friend on MSN. He would long to get back to Writing, but he had to see what people were saying on Facebook…

Writing would be sad, because she knew that Me would spend time with Internet – hours if possible. Then he would say “Oh, look at the time! I’ve got to go do homework! Have a shower! Watch the latest Criminal Minds episode! Go to bed!” He would run off, leaving Writing and Internet alone. Internet would pull a face at Writing, and run off to download the next newest things that she could entice Me with.

One day, Writing decided enough was enough. When she and Me got together to hang out, she said: “Me, I’m not happy with you and Internet spending so much time together! You’re supposed to be hanging out with me! Not her. She’s trying to break us up!”

“You’re right,” said Me. “She is trying to break us up! But what can I do?”

“You could try not talking to her?” Writing suggested.

“Yeah! You’re right!” Me said.

Suddenly, Internet came running up. “Me!” she cried. “Fancy meeting you here! Guess what?  On Facebook-”

“Sorry, Internet.” Me interrupted. “I’m busy at the moment. I’m hanging out with Writing. Can it wait, please?”

Internet was silent. She didn’t know what to say. With a sob, she ran off crying.

“You did the write*** thing,” Writing said.

“I know,” said Me. “But I still feel bad… Still, I guess she’ll forgive me when I see what’s on Facebook.”

Writing gave Me a big hug. “I love you. Please don’t ever leave me for that horrid Internet ever again.”

Me returned her hug. “Don’t worry. I’m stronger now. I won’t ever let her interrupt us again.”

“Thank you,” she said. “Now, where were we?*”

* This is a purely innocent tale. Get your mind out of the gutter.
** Me doesn’t actually like Facebook apps. They’re too time wasting. He ignores them.
*** Geddit? Write? Right? Hahaha.


English: The Crazy Language

May 19, 2010

I was going to continue on from the last post on writing synopsis’s, but I don’t have it quite ready yet, and I received this in an email. I thought it was amusing, and assuming that you’re a writer too, I think you’ll get a chuckle too (otherwise I better check my sense of humour).

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England.

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? We ship by truck but send cargo by ship. We have noses that run and feet that smell. We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway. And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposite?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.


Dear Spammy

January 25, 2010

I was going to post my response to a bloggers question: ‘what is writing?’ today, but I decided to slip in this instead. My response to the blogger will be posted next week.
The first email was sent to me by ‘Windows! Live’, ie Spammy. The email below was my response. I found it amusing at the time (oh look at me. I’m such a badass, talking to Spammy…). You may not find it amusing, but if one person can honestly say the laughed, or even smiled genuinely at my response, then it was worth posting. If not… let’s forget about this post, okay?

Dear Windows! Live Account User,
We encountered a problem with our database and a lot of records were lost, we are restoring our database to enable us serve you better. Your Windows! Live Account details are required so as to store in our database to keep your account active.

Failure to do this will lose his or her account permanently.
To update and enable us restore your account details in our data base to keep your account active, you are required to provide us the details below urgently.
Click the reply button to enter details below .

ID:
Password :
Date of Birth:
Country or Territory:
Occupation:
Alternative E-mail:

Make sure the details above are correct to enable us restore your account details, this will help prevent your account from suspending or closing.

Note: YOUR DETAILS WILL NOT BE SHARED.

Users have often told us that the more they use Windows! Live  Service, the more they discover its benefits. We’ll keep working on making Windows! Live the best email service around, and we appreciate your joining us for the ride.

Thank you,
Sandra O. John
The Windows! Live Team

My reply:


Hi there,

Thanks for letting me know that you lost your records. Good on you for trying to rebuild them! The new records must be so much more detailed than the last set – I don’t ever recall providing you with my occupation or country. But then again, I signed up for Windows! Live sooo long ago, you must have changed your records around.
I mean, when I signed up for Windows! Live, the exclamation mark wasn’t even apart of your name. It was just boring old Windows Live.

I suppose that when you lost your database, you must have lost your usual Windows Live (oops, that should be Windows! Live) email account and the pretty pictures you use. I’m so used to receiving emails from a different email account, I almost marked this email as spam! Imagine that! I could have lost this email address.

That said, I no longer want my email account. I’m sorry, but if even Windows Live (there I go again – forgot the new exclamation mark! Silly me) is using Yahoo as their new email provider, perhaps you know something I don’t.

For some reason, when I went to reply to this email, instead of putting the Yahoo address as the recipient, another email address (accounts.services0001000) was placed as the recipient. To make sure that the Windows! Live Team receives the email, I am sending this email to both email addresses.

Once again, thanks for being so kind and considerate by sending me this email.
I look forward to hearing from you.

Little Scribbler.